my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
