two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
