be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
