Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Soap is not a condiment
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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