I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
