I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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