Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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