I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
