I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
