im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
