I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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