i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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