I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
