Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
