My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
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