remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
