Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
