You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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