So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
