In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
whose parrot is this?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
