If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
