Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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