and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
