dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
