Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
this is an emotional support booty call
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
