you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
