even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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