I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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