new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
