Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
