I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
