wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
