i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
