by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
