Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
