Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
