Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
