The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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