Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Every concussion has its silver lining
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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