Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
