What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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