I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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