I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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