I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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