Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
