I think I am morally bankrupt
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
