He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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