When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
