Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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