I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
