I am spending my child support on dildos
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
