i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
