Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Someone shattered a urinal.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
