don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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