Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
