How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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